You Can Still Be What You Want To

The years, they drag on...yet a single blink and *poof*, they are gone. She is more wise and less afraid. When plucked and examined, fresh strands of hair on her head lead from brown, to gold, to silver. So very peculiar. The eyes are heavy and not so full of life anymore. Her laugh has even changed. Plentiful are the memories, from heartache to happiness. There is someone who saw the beautiful chaos and chose to walk beside her. Those eyes that change from blue to green, the goosebumps on his back when her nails run up and down, and how soft his lips are upon hers at every kiss...he is her comfort. The only comfort she has continuously and unequivocally had her entire life. There are still nightmares of the past. Sorry for the damage being put upon the table. She was flooded with irreparable things to carry in her arms until the soil became home. Who that person was is no longer there. The leaves always turn brown and fall to the ground. The trick...is new buds will indeed form again. She is still finding a way to wake up with a better view of the life she dreamed. It's so close. The chains around her neck have loosened, but breaking away will be too much when the fragile moments come back again and again, like a hauntingly familiar feeling of desperation. But...one look at him and everything falls back in place. The fear and displacement of thoughts stops. She didn't have to become undone anymore. She can be what she claimed to dream of so long ago. 

The Cat's Out of the Bag

LIFE IS SO PRECIOUS.  I NEVER NOTICED BEFORE JUST HOW MUCH SOMEONE COULD MEAN TO ME.  I WOULD ALWAYS DREAM ABOUT IT, BUT I NEVER COULD IMAGINE OR WONDER OF SUCH AN AMAZING PERSON.  SOMEONE SO INCREDIBLY CLOSE TO YOU.  SOMEONE THAT YOU WANT TO DREAM OF THE FUTURE WITH.  JUMPING ON TRAMPOLINES, GOING TO THE ZOO, PAINTING PICTURES OF ANYTHING THEY DREAM OF.  MY LIFE CHANGED AND THIS PERSON WILL FOREVER BE IN MY HEART.  I CAN'T WAIT TO STARE INTO THOSE GORGEOUS EYES, WHATEVER COLOR THEY MAY BE.  I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEIR EXPRESSION CHANGE AS I PLAY THAT LULLABYE ON MY GUITAR I WROTE FOR THEM.  MY DREAM IS FINALLY COMING TRUE AND I CANNOT WAIT TO HOLD THIS PERSON IN MY ARMS.  I AM SO IN LOVE...

 

Safe and (Sound)

When she can't sleep, she can't dream.  Without a dream, what does life even mean?  Silence.  Just be quiet for a minute.  No, for a whole day.  She once was told when she was younger to use her inside voice.  Take that to heart.  She challenged herself to stay silent for a whole day.  As the years passed, the silence became sadness and that was all she knew from then on.  Friends?  Forget it.  Lovers?  Not a chance.  Family?  Criticism.  She pondered what it would be like to actually feel love.  Not "twue wuv".  Just, love.  There WAS a dream.  There was faith and wakefulness.  He turned to her and put her hand upon his face.  His eyes were so vivid and she felt within her body a comfort.  It's okay to use your voice.  You were blessed with a lovely one.  Confidence overflowed her and she sat up, closed her eyes, and spoke in song.  The silence was broken.  She hid away from the world for so long.  The beautiful notes and passion were much too overwhelming for the time.  More years pass and she is still silent until her dreams meander throughout that colorful mind and give her acceptance.  There will forevermore be the quiet humming of the world around her as she just...observes.  The confidence is there, but not the bravery.  Silence. 

Cement Heart

At such times of joy, one can feel heartache just as easily.  It comes and goes as quickly as a hummingbird to its feeder.  The anticipation and guilt overwhelm her into anxiety.  All she can do is what she's taught herself what is right.  But, is it?  Is it morally acceptable?  She knows it isn't.  So many risks...so many tears...so much pain.  Everyday, "I can't take it anymore!".  Yet, the hurt still rears its ugly mug right next to hers.  Knowing the consequences of what could be hurts even more.  How can such mentality breed within?  There could not be more despise for such a thing in this world.  But also, the love and desire for it continues with each passing second.  How badly she wants to take a shard from her nightmares and cut deep into her "dreams".  Nothing can take away the happiness...except happiness itself.  Are you?  Why are you even happy?  She apologizes for her lack of love and emotion.  It doesn't matter though.  She is but a monster now.  She has gained a life no being could ever wish for.  Desperation leaks from her pores.  When will it end...?

Just Breathe

Won’t you give this thing a chance?  You are not what you were when you were young.  Getting up is hard to do sometimes.  You know you have to get through another day doing the same exact thing you did yesterday.  Maybe you’ll eat something different, maybe your heart doesn’t beat on the same exact second, maybe your life will end today.  No one knows.  Trying to live as if every aspect of life is beautiful is not a difficult thing to do.  She goes outside every day, same time, same porch swing…watching the birds fly above and the trees sway their branches.  The world has beauty but we usually don’t see it unless we STOP.  She stares into the deep night sky.  Its freckles blinking back into her wondrous eyes.  She cannot fathom that she was a single cell for half an hour at one point in time.  Her wounds heal but leave scars of remembrance, her hair grows longer with every passing day, her thoughts grow more complex with each passing second.  Leave the phone beneath your pillow and walk outside.  Just breathe…

I Still Love You...Afterall

Love is a powerful thing.  We all feel it some point in our lives.  Whether it be from a parent, a friend, a lover, or a stranger.  The act of kindness is inevitably...love.  Love confuses some people, however.  Most of us cannot understand the origins of it or how it works.  Some say it's the warm fuzzies in our hearts.  Others say it's complete bliss.  I think it's what we have to offer to each other.  We all strive to find love.  Some find it in partners, some don't.  A realization came to me tonight.  Not only am I very much in love with someone I have known for 5 years now, but I am also in love with being in love.  That heartache you feel when someone you love passes away or moves on.  That's love...dying within you.  I have felt that.  That love is still always there but it slowly disintegrates throughout time.  Blown was my mind tonight.  I could not handle it so I broke down and had a good cry.  The night I fell in love with this person I started to cry as well.  I'm not sure why.  I've never cried on account of falling in love, just falling out of it.  I think what love is trying to tell me is...each time is different.  You will always feel wonderful and complete with it, but the person makes it different.  Now, I am of course talking about relationships.  I once found a love I could not be without.  It lasted a week.  I still feel it within me.  It is the strangest type of love I have ever encountered.  Almost child-like and worry free.  The love I have now is nothing like that.  It is more mature yet still fun.  I do worry sometimes.  This person is indescribable.  I know their flaws and I know I am in love with them as well.  Yes, some things annoy me but we work through it.  This love is so strange to me.  How have I not felt this before?  This love keeps me going.  I will not give up on myself because of this love.  It is now both my strength and weakness.  Moreso strength.  It is my courage...and I will carry on because of it.  I love you. 

It's Natural To Be Afraid..

Who are you really?  Is this world the reality you are supposed to face at this exact moment in time?  Maybe this is an alternate world to the one that is real.  How do we know?  How does this work?  I wonder what it would be like to be in a different world.  I imagine trees floating around me and harmless tornadoes.   Waterfalls from every angle the sky expresses.  The sky isn't just blue though.  It is as if an artist made a brush stroke of every color in all different directions.  The stars come out during the day and the moon is iridescent.  Every season is around every corner.  How am I not living in this world I have come to realize in my mind?  Maybe I am just waiting for that time to come where universe's collide and the gravity is changed instantaneously.  That moment in time where your mind leaves, wanting more answers and becoming more curious than it ever was before.  This world is your home now.  You explore it for all the years to come.  Who knows how long that will be?  Forever is a simple word for everlasting.  You see the universe now as it was in your mind for eternity.  What could be better than that?  Animals can communicate with you, but this isn't Narnia or anything silly like that.  This is magic.  Wondrous beings and creatures come out to play with you.  Innocence is back.  You may scream as loud as you wish and nobody will hear you.  What purpose would you have in this world though?  You have everlasting life in a valley of opportunities that are not present in the world we live as of today.  My world sounds so much more glorious....how do I get there?  God replies that he does not want me there quite yet.  I must continue to be in this one for now.  I cannot sing without worry, I cannot fly without falling, I cannot fight loneliness.  The only way to change the gravity, is to fly...